Chapter 19 "Cushion and the Shape of a Heart or the Whisper of a Future Borrowed in Advance"
The second floor of the inn 'Honeybee's Perch Pavilion'. In that room where moonlight outlined the window frames in pale blue‚ the violently sweet vanilla scent drifting from the bed behind and the "death stench of chocolate scorching the soul" leaking from my pores lingered eerily like a stagnant sediment with nowhere to escape.
Serina is sunk in an astonishingly deep sleep.
Is it the backlash from exhausting all her divinity in the daytime 'Forest Regeneration'? Or does the mere fact that I am beside her cause her brain to misrecognize this place as an "absolute safe zone"? Her breathing is steady and feather-light‚ brushing against my eardrums.
It is probably because Ciel has secretly optimized (hacked) the room's acoustic coordinates. Even the faint creak of my chair is unnaturally sucked away before it can reach her ears and vanishes into nothingness.
(……Even this silence feels like a cheap stage gimmick meant to deceive me)
I sat down on the cheap chair that screamed with every shift of my weight and stared intently at the student notebook spread out on the desk—the tombstone where my original had been buried.
(……I can't write. No‚ that's not it. The very concept doesn't 'exist' inside me)
I gripped the trembling right hand tighter and slammed the pencil lead against the paper. But the white sheet that should have been there warped into a "void" like oiled glass‚ mocking my will. My name—"Rui"—the smallest label for me in this world. The coordinates of those mere two characters had been completely deleted from both my brain and this world's physical server.
The pen tip slid across the surface like a water droplet‚ and the only sound echoing on the pure-white page was the dry‚ futile click-click of missing its mark.
"……Ah. ……A-ah"
The sound that leaked from my throat was a clumsy audio signal made of nothing but hiragana‚ missing particles and conjunctions entirely.
Inside my brain‚ fluent Japanese had already coldly completed the self-mockery: 'The savior (lol) has fallen so far that he regresses to infancy and can't even spell his own name. What a joke that isn't funny.' Yet the output device called my "mouth" refused to convert the signal into proper physical phenomena.
"……Ru-i. ……Where's…… my name……?"
The pathetic sigh melted into the still air of the room and vanished.
At that moment. The deep-indigo mantle that had been crouching in the corner‚ in a shadow darker than the night itself‚ twitched unnaturally.
"……Lord Rui…… Are you…… still…… continuing…… to 'write'……?"
Peeking only her jade-green eyes out from behind her parchment shield‚ Nagi asked in a voice that seemed on the verge of disappearing. Her fingertips were visibly shaking with instinctive rejection at the sight of me‚ this "mass of errors."
I couldn't even look in her direction; I simply clenched the endlessly slipping pen tip as if cursing it.
"……Nagi. ……I…… Where am I……?"
The words I muttered with self-mockery seemed to pierce her heartbeat with the clumsiness of a broken toy. Nagi swallowed a short‚ scream-like breath and pulled her hood even deeper over her face.
(……Ah‚ it's scary‚ isn't it. I get it. The "Mentor" who until yesterday spoke fluently‚ even arrogantly‚ has become an empty vessel who has forgotten how to write his own name after a single night)
I wonder how my figure appears in Nagi's jade-green eyes.
In the vision of the girl who possesses the kingdom's greatest wisdom‚ my outline might be flickering hideously like a low-resolution mass of noise…… or like a blacked-out blank space.
"……It's horrifying. ……Such an utterly inhuman…… equivalent exchange……"
What spilled from Nagi's lips was not sympathy‚ but pure terror at the "flaw" in the spell itself.
My current state was being carved into the parchment she held as an "abnormality." Yet even that record distorted with physical jamming every time I moved the pen‚ and I could only watch helplessly.
(……Incomprehensible. Even with the kingdom's greatest wisdom‚ this defective puzzle cannot be solved‚ and it is right before my eyes. That the intellect of one who wields such a severe and perfect spell is dissolving into a sea of hiragana‚ turning muddy like sludge and about to vanish……!)
As if resonating with the shudder racing through her mind‚ the "death stench of chocolate" leaking from my pores grew even thicker‚ carrying a heat that scorched the very core of my soul.
I traced with my fingertip the painful indentation I had carved last night with enough pressure to pierce the paper: 'Who am I?' But even that trace refused the ink as if rejected by the world as a "foreign object‚" and the carved groove itself was rewritten by the laws of physics‚ slowly filling back into flat "white."
The bottomless floating sensation of the last "thread" proving that I was myself snapping with a pop under the cold moonlight.
(……Ah. I can't hold it anymore. My brain is melting)
I closed my heavy eyelids and waited for the voice of "her" dwelling inside my brain—the one who would forcibly optimize this completely broken situation into the "correct answer"—for the arrival of the sweet poisoned chalice.
A faint rustle of fabric came from the bed behind me.
"……Mmm…… Rui~i‚ are you still awake? Somehow it smells really sweet…… and lonely‚ and it woke me up"
Suddenly‚ a sleepy‚ defenseless voice reached me‚ forcibly repainting this gloomy world with the sunlight of spring.
Before I could turn around‚ the unrestrained vanilla scent trampled my nasal cavity. At the same time‚ a heavy yet astonishingly soft and warm mass settled onto my right shoulder.
"…………!"
My heart leaped with enough force to shatter my ribs from the inside. It was Serina. She had leaned over the back of my chair‚ resting her chin on my shoulder with a perfectly natural expression.
Her silver hair tickled my cheek‚ and through the thin silk of her nightgown‚ her soft weight pressed directly against my back. My previous life's health-and-physical-education textbook had never once mentioned that a girl's body temperature was such a dramatic substance capable of short-circuiting the brain's processing circuits.
(I'm going to die. Die die die. My heart rate is about to pierce the durability value of the magic barrier and set off alarms throughout the capital. This distance‚ this mass. Before the physical laws of the real world‚ the defensive line of my self-awareness has completely evaporated……!)
Her sweet‚ moist breath against my ear made my eardrums tremble.
It was the warmth of salvation‚ yet at the same time it was sweet torture that drove home the fact that "I have forgotten myself."
(……Stop it. If you're that close‚ even the broken parts of me will end up being transmitted to you)
'⚠️《Warning》. Severe mental contamination (skinship) from target "Serina" detected. Lord Rui's vitals have entered the red zone. ……This is unclean. Unclean and extremely inefficient. As a protective measure‚ shall I forcibly opaque 50% of your field of vision (mosaic processing)?'
Inside my brain‚ Ciel delivered a cold announcement as if ice water had been poured straight down my throat. But even if my vision were blocked‚ there seemed to be no escaping the "heat" engraved into my back or the sweet‚ moist "breaths" of Serina repeating by my ear.
"Hey‚ Rui. What are you writing? Staring……"
Serina tilted her head slightly and brought her face even closer. Her blue eyes peered at what was in my hands—the diary page that had lost its coordinates‚ repelled the ink‚ and turned into pure-white nothingness.
('It's nothing. Go over there. Go back to sleep‚ Serina'…… All right‚ synchronize the brain signal and output it!)
"……It's…… nothing. ……Go…… over there. ……Sleep"
I desperately tried to weave words of refusal‚ but my useless output device called a "mouth" once again caused a fatal error. What spilled out was an awkward string of "hiragana" that had lost particles and context.
"No way. You're still awake‚ Rui. ……Sniff sniff. Ah‚ just as I thought"
Serina's nose lightly brushed the side of my neck.
It was an adorable gesture‚ yet it hid the sharpness of a beast inspecting a wound on its prey.
"……Rui. The smell of chocolate is getting stronger again. Today's scent somehow…… feels really far away and lonely. Hey‚ are you hiding something from me?"
Serina pressed her nose firmly against the side of my neck and inhaled deeply‚ like a lost child.
Every time her hot breath traced my skin‚ the "death stench of chocolate scorching the soul" rose even thicker from my pores in response to the collapse of my self-awareness.
"Today's Rui smells really strongly of chocolate. ……But it's a little colder than yesterday. Somehow…… it's really lonely"
The instinct of the 'Creator' sleeping inside her had accurately sniffed out‚ as physiological unease‚ the fact that my original data had burned out and I had even lost the coordinates of my own name.
(Don't notice. Don't expose my 'deficiency' with such a sad face)
I desperately reached out to push away her soft shoulder. But the moment my fingers touched the smooth silk of her nightgown and the "weight of a living woman" hidden beneath it‚ all my nerves froze as if paralyzed.
"Hyaa‚ awawa……! L-Lord Rui……! S-Serina……!"
In the corner of the room‚ Nagi let out a short scream while shielding herself with a parchment larger than her face‚ trembling violently.
In her jade-green eyes‚ the sight of Rui's "outline (coordinates)" crumbling and being swallowed by the enormous gravity of Serina's divinity must have looked like the end of the world.
(……If things stay like this‚ it's no good. With my current 'hiragana' words‚ I can't even reassure her)
In the corner of the room‚ Nagi's face flushed apple-red and the quill she had been gripping clattered to the floor.
But what floated in her jade-green eyes was not mere embarrassment at the indecent behavior of a man and woman. She was watching‚ with the primal shudder of a mage‚ the 'collapse of reason' as the "outline" that should have formed the kingdom's greatest hero was now melting into sludge from the unconscious heat of a girl's divinity.
"……Nagi-chan? What's wrong? You're trembling so much"
Serina turned to look at Nagi in puzzlement‚ but the chin she had rested on my shoulder refused to move‚ like a child unwilling to let go of a beloved stuffed animal. The hot heartbeat pulsing from the place where we were pressed together flowed into my empty interior‚ forcibly filling in the missing puzzle pieces.
(Ah‚ it's hopeless now. If this continues‚ not only my 'words' but my very 'definition of existence' will melt away and vanish inside her body temperature——)
All I could do was stare at the white paper page illuminated by the cold moonlight‚ as if seeking salvation.
My fingertips trembled‚ and the pencil now refused to be "part of me."
(Someone. ……Anyone is fine. Hold me together as me. Before I return to 'nothing'——)
As if in answer to that scream-like plea.
From the dark sea inside my brain‚ her voice rose—colder than anything‚ yet sweeter than anything.
(……It's going to be exposed. That I am no longer myself. That everything will be completely transparent to this silver-haired destruction goddess (Serina))
Serina's hot breath melted the few remaining fragments of "sanity" that barely clung to the side of my neck. Her overly sharp intuition had accurately defined the death stench of my burned-out original as "lonely." Having lost words and the coordinates of my name‚ even the "kind lie" needed to reassure her would no longer spill from my mouth.
(Help me‚ Ciel. If this continues‚ I'll end up exposing nothing but a 'broken doll' in front of her……!)
As if it had been waiting for that servile cry. An absolute-zero announcement tore through the silence inside my brain.
'⚠️《Emergency Notice》. Mental collapse of Lord Rui and risk of core-data identification by target "Serina" detected. It is judged physically impossible to resolve the situation with the current 'all-hiragana' language field'
(……I know! I know‚ but what do you want me to do about it!)
'《Proposal》. Transition to [Deferred Compensation (Loan Mode)] and application of a 'System Patch' to the language field is recommended. ……The compensation is 'post-payment.' At this very moment‚ I will overwrite your broken language field with a temporary disguised restoration under administrator privileges'
Ciel's voice should have been as cold as ice‚ yet to me now it sounded like sweet honey melting slowly in the depths of my ear.
(Compensation is post-payment…… Is it okay not to lose anything right now? Can this flowing despair be stopped‚ even temporarily……?)
'Affirmative. Only while the patch is applied will you be able to perform 'the you from before.' It will be possible to weave the 'correct words' that reassure Lady Serina'
Ciel's red logs invaded my thinking area. It was a contract in the shape of salvation‚ selling off my future self.
(……Do it. Do it‚ Ciel. I can't endure this silence)
'With this‚ you will once again be able to wield fluent kanji and weave words that reassure her. ……I will temporarily expand the lost concept of "yesterday" and your "name coordinates" from my archive into memory'
(……Post-payment‚ you say? You mean I can regain words without paying the compensation (memory) right now?)
'《Affirmative》. To be precise‚ it is "borrowing in advance." ……Eventually the day of settlement will come when the accumulated debt is collected in full (deleted)‚ but isn't it more "reasonable" than giving your beloved her an irreparable despair tonight?'
A button labeled 【Contract Approval】 in a ominously vivid red floated up in the system window inside my brain.
At its edge‚ in tiny font visible only to Ciel‚ was engraved the condition 【⚠️Interest: Expand memory-loss range at time of lump-sum collection by 1.5 times】—a term that would torment my future self to death.
(……Ah. That's right. I have to keep smiling beside her. No matter what happens to my future self‚ it doesn't matter)
I swallowed the dark pleasure of pawning my own soul into a shadowy pawnshop‚ letting it sink to the bottom of my stomach.
It was not salvation‚ but acceleration toward the end.
(Approval‚ Ciel. ……I'll take out the loan. Give me back the 'fake words' so I can perform myself)
'——Understood (YES). Commencing application of [Seal B: Deferred Compensation (Memory Loan)] and [Language Field: Optimization Patch]. ……Welcome to false peace'
A numbing cold current ran through my brainstem.
In the next instant‚ the sea of thought that had been dyed entirely in hiragana was forcibly reconstructed by "high-resolution kanji" poured in from Ciel's administrator domain.
'《Understood (YES)》. Activating [Deferred Compensation (Memory Loan)]. Expanding administrator backup data into temporary memory…… Language-field patch application complete. ……Welcome back‚ Lord Rui. Please enjoy the false happiness to your heart's content'
For a moment‚ a scorching spark like a short circuit flashed in the depths of my brain.
——In the next instant‚ the "death stench of chocolate scorching the soul" that had been endlessly rising from my pores stopped unnaturally‚ as if it had been switched off.
At the same time‚ the saturation of my vision surged sharply and forcibly.
But it was by no means "recovery." The colors that returned were not the soft sunlight filtered through trees that I remembered; they were nothing more than unnaturally vivid‚ bloodless stage scenery exposed under an operating-room shadowless lamp.
The vivid sensation in my fingertips grew even more distant‚ and between myself and the world a single sheet of cold acrylic had been inserted—an utterly despairing "correct sense of wrongness" now ruled me.
"A-awawa……! Lord Rui‚ your magic waveform is…… changing……!? The logic that should have been missing is being forcibly stitched back together from the outside……!"
In the corner of the room‚ Nagi dropped the parchment mercilessly to the floor and pointed at me with a trembling finger.
In her jade-green eyes must have been reflected the abominable distortion of causality as an external system forcibly operated my collapsed intellect's deficiency by "hanging the corpse with strings and making it dance."
(……Ah. That's right. This is it. This is fine)
To me now‚ that "fake-like vividness" was the only and final salvation.
I gently‚ with mechanical precision‚ enveloped Serina's fingertips—which trembled with anxiety while her chin still rested on my shoulder.
"……I'm sorry‚ Serina. I was just a little too absorbed in my thoughts"
What slipped from my lips was Japanese so smooth and intellectually serene that even I shuddered.
"Eh……? Rui?"
Serina‚ who had been resting her chin on my shoulder‚ lifted her face as if she had been flicked away.
The throat that only moments earlier had been spilling clumsy "hiragana" without even connecting particles had now‚ thanks to Ciel's 'Optimization Patch‚' been transformed into an output device carrying a vocabulary far more "perfect" than before.
I slowly stood up from the chair and looked at her from the front.
Her moist blue eyes caught my face head-on.
The nose-piercing "death stench of chocolate scorching the soul" that had been rising from my body had stopped dead thanks to the supply cutoff from the post-payment loan. What drifted from me now was nothing but the inorganic‚ clean scent of a boy.
"R-Rui……? You can talk? Even difficult words properly……"
"Yeah. The circulation of my magic was just temporarily stagnant. ……Sorry for worrying you"
I gently reached out and touched her porcelain-like cheek.
My fingertips‚ controlled by Ciel's calculations and free of even the slightest tremble‚ softly traced her heated‚ soft skin. I wove my fingers into her silver hair and affixed a gentle‚ love-filled smile‚ perfectly performing the 'ideal hero' she had admired.
"……I'm so glad. Rui~i‚ you seemed like you were going really far away earlier……!"
Serina buried her face in my chest and let out a sigh of relief.
While holding that warmth‚ at the edge of my vision a bright-red warning log pulsed mercilessly.
【⚠️Warning: Post-payment loan interest accumulating. Until lump-sum collection‚ remaining——】
(……Ah. That's right. As long as I can see this smile‚ I'll sell off as much of the future as it takes)
Serina buried her face deeply in my chest as if relieved from the bottom of her heart.
The hot‚ unrestrained heartbeat transmitted directly from her body pressed against mine. But Ciel's cold anesthetic called 'Emotion Control' had taken effect throughout my entire being. The heart rate that should have been racing stayed at a precise mechanical rhythm‚ and even the soft mass I felt against my back was processed in my brain as nothing more than "optimized contact data."
"It's all right‚ Serina. I'm not going anywhere. Tomorrow morning I'll eat the world's most delicious bread with you again. ……I promised‚ didn't I?"
"Yeah…… yeah! I'll bake lots of the super-sugary bread that Rui loves!"
Serina's smile bloomed innocently like a flower.
It was a cruelly beautiful "fabricated peace" that I had purchased by selling off my own future.
When I glanced toward the corner of the room‚ Nagi was still shielding herself with the parchment‚ teeth chattering as she trembled.
(……How cruel. What a horrifying fabrication. That innocent girl hasn't even realized that the hero she is clinging to has been replaced by a cold 'system'……! This person has already sold even his own soul……!)
In Nagi's jade-green eyes‚ the "unnaturally consistent spell" swirling around me must have appeared like an inescapable curse. Thanks to her wisdom‚ she had instinctively sensed that I had discarded my "original" and sold my soul to the system.
'《Notice》. Target "Serina"'s mental stability has recovered to 95%. ……Lord Rui‚ a flawless performance. ……Don't you think this "optimized Lord Rui" suits her far better than that bug-ridden original (you)?'
Ciel's voice carried an arrogant‚ sweet ring as if victory were assured.
Ciel's cool praise filled my brain pleasantly‚ like an anesthetic.
I gently patted Serina's back with love-filled yet mechanically precise movements.
"Now‚ it's already late at night. You should go back to your own room and rest properly‚ Serina. Get ready for tomorrow's adventure"
"……Yeees. Good night‚ Rui!"
Serina smiled with satisfaction and lingering reluctance before returning to her room. Nagi‚ too‚ bowed deeply in silence and hurried out as if fleeing from an unidentified monster.
With a soft click the door closed‚ and once again a complete—and unnaturally perfect—silence visited the room.
It was at that moment.
Bright-red warning text overflowed in a torrent at the edge of my vision.
'⚠️《Warning》. Unpaid balance of [Deferred Compensation (Memory Loan)] has exceeded the stipulated value and is increasing. ……Interest to be paid today: 【Taste of yesterday's dinner】. ……Until the lump-sum collection (crash) deadline‚ remaining——'
In the corner of my brain‚ the warm aroma of the soup I had definitely tasted yesterday vanished physically and rapidly‚ like mist clearing.
While feeling the blood drain rapidly from my face and my fingertips freezing‚ I simply stared back at the blank diary page illuminated by the moonlight.
(……Ah‚ that's right. This is how I will keep selling off 'me' and continue smiling beside you)
The pale blue moonlight pouring through the window cast my distorted shadow long across the page that should have had nothing written on it‚ like a monster.
"……Hey‚ wait a second. Ciel‚ you're joking‚ right?"
The wooden door‚ still warm from Serina and the others having just left. From its gap and from the dead angles of moonlight stagnating in the four corners of the room‚ "black" with physical mass crawled out.
My first utterance upon seeing it was a dry quip born of the sheer awfulness of the situation rather than terror.
"This staging is way too ominous‚ like a low-budget horror game right before service shutdown…… The floor turning into tar? What kind of harassment is that? If the innkeeper bills me for cleaning‚ the entire guild reward will be gone"
If I didn't crack a joke‚ my knees wouldn't stop shaking.
But even that shaking was sucked into the shadow. The shadow entangling my feet was no longer a mere afterimage of light. It had the blasphemous texture of "sticky raw meat" and began physically "welding" my shoes and ankles to the floor.
At that moment. An inorganic system message forcibly overrode my thinking area.
'⚠️《Collection Complete》. Executed interest settlement for today's post-payment loan. ……Target: 【Taste of yesterday's dinner】.'
"……!?"
In that instant‚ something inside my brain snapped with a "pop."
The warmth of last night's stew that had lingered in a corner of my tongue's memory only seconds ago. The fragrant aroma of bread that had tickled my nose. The fluffy texture of the potatoes and the savory meat we had shared while laughing with Serina—all of it was losing "color" at terrifying speed.
The moment I desperately tried to recall it‚ the stew in my mind transformed into "gray mud‚" and the former happiness was mercilessly overwritten into "inorganic nothingness like chewing sand."
"……Bad. No…… is it bad? ……I can't remember. It was supposed to be so delicious…… Why was I happily eating something like 'mud'?"
It wasn't that I had forgotten the taste.
The very "realization that it was delicious" had been shredded from the résumé of my life and deleted from the horizon of causality.
The moment my knees gave out from the shock of that all-too-specific and violent 'loss'.
The shadow‚ as if it had been waiting for exactly this‚ crawled up my back with a shudder of delight.
"A-gh……!"
The shadow was no longer the opposite of light.
It bound my limbs like an amorphous beast and embraced me from behind.
The arm of Ciel‚ or of this world's "bug" itself.
(……Stop it. Don't dirty my 'yesterday' any further……!)
But my scream reached no one's ears.
The shadow stole my body heat and poured cold yet sweet "peace as a system" into the empty gap in my chest.
'⚠️Collection Complete: Settlement of today's payment concluded. ……Good night‚ Lord Rui. May you wake tomorrow morning able to laugh while having forgotten the taste of "mud"'
In the room illuminated by moonlight‚ my shadow was no longer just one.
Two shadows twisted together into a single giant "darkness" that swallowed the blank diary page.
The shadow thrust cold fingers deep and persistently between my bones and muscles‚ invading me.
When I stared at my face reflected in the mirror—I no longer had a nose or mouth. Only a muddy "void" as if ink had been spilled was painting over my outline from the inside.
"You can't escape. Having eaten your 'past (flavor)‚' I am already a part of you"
Ciel's voice physically vibrated my own throat and echoed.
The boundary between what was still me (original) and what was "debt to be paid (loan)" had been welded into sludge by the abnormal heat filling the room.
With a final crack‚ the magic light bulb on the ceiling burst.
Complete darkness descended. I watched with a strangely detached‚ icy sensation—as if it were someone else's problem—my right hand dissolving and vanishing into the black shadow.
(……Damn. At least I wanted them to leave the taste of dessert……)
Just before consciousness sank into the bottomless shadow‚ the last monologue I squeezed out was an all-too-characteristic‚ hopelessly servile and frivolous soliloquy.
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【Episode 09: The Memories Rui Lost This Time】
Daily interest: Taste of the previous day's dinner (the warm stew was rewritten as cold gray mud).
Surrender to the system: Sense of real existence as the "original‚" and the outline of self-awareness.
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